A letter from my hubby.

Each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
Take a look at myself in the mirror and cry
Lord, what you're doing to me? 
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!

People ask me, Have you tried yoga? Exercise? Meditation? Kombucha? Counselling?  ...and the list never ends. I don’t have the energy to explain that YES!, I’ve tried them all, I’ve tried crystals, dope, alcohol, prescription medicine, going to church, praying, going to the gym nearly every day and not eating any junk food, yes everything and the fact is that I am disabled and have a very rare disease and that I am in a wheelchair and most probably will die of this shitty disease. I also have severe anxiety, struggle with depression and have OCD. What I want to try is acceptance. I want to see what happens if I can simply accept myself for who I am: battered, broken, hoping for relief, still enduring somehow. I will still take a cure if it’s presented to me, but I am so sick and tired of trying to bargain with the universe for some kind of cure. I truly miss the things I cannot do no more but give me a break. I am trying to let go.

A few things I truly miss:

 1. I can no longer go for long walks on the beach, I can also not swim in the sea, snorkel or do any water sports so am always sitting watching from the side.

2. I can no longer climb steps and this means there are a thousand places I cannot go.

3. I can no longer enjoy going for hikes or climb a mountain or any outdoor sports because I am in a wheelchair and my disability affects my coordination.

4. I can no longer play the guitar, this makes me very sad.

5. I can no longer have a shower as we rent and there is no seat or bars and a big step.
6. I can no longer cook as the counters are too high and with my poor coordination I might cut a finger off or burn myself.
7. I can no longer work, I am in a wheelchair with a speech impediment, I do not think people want a minister they cannot understand.
8. As I get worse people do not understand me and look at me as if I am an idiot so phoning someone is never easy and when I get anxious I tend to talk very loud and because I am frustrated with myself I use the F word.
9. I had to stop driving, that is terrible and giving up my landy sucks.

10. I can longer just eat anything as the risk of me chocking is very real, I ended up in hospital and had to have a scope remove a piece of chicken that was stuck.

11. Worst of all is that "MY DOG" died.

I have lost my independence, and constantly have to ask for help. Every day I am dying a bit more so excuse me for not always being chipper.

So the long and short it all is that it sucks but I am trying to get over myself and letting go.

P.S. If you have a problem with me please talk to me directly.

Yours sincerely Markus.